hope

my hope and goal this year was to start a family with Patrick

We always say “the lord loves to give good gifts” and so I made the general assumption that as long as we did things the right way, he basically owed us this good gift

The year began with a lot of crying out. A lot of self-pity. A lot of expectancy and hope for God to do what we wanted him to do. But God, in his infinite mercy and grace, used this time to do several other things.

1. He has revealed that when I say “You are enough, Lord” it is not true. What I mean is, “You are wonderful and I really like all the things you give me that show me your love for me”.

2. He is more than the good gifts for his children. If he never gave me anything else, fulfilled any other physical desire, he is the same, loving God

3. The desire for having a family has become too big. It has become an idol and an all consuming thought. It has taken me from looking at how to care for others to only thinking of myself. And in selfishness, you can’t grow very well in Christ.

4. God’s love for me is so deep and so true and nothing can change it. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He has a plan for me and it is good. He wants good for his children. He does not withhold good without a reason. He is not punishing me when he tells me no, or not right now

5. He has a complete view of the history of our lives and has everything planned out in his perfect timing.

6. He is trustworthy.

7. My value is not found in ANYTHING I can physically do. It is found in Christ alone.

8. He gives us good things not just so we can have them. He gives us good things so that we can honor Him with them

9. It is not a sin to mourn a loss as long as my hope remains in the Lord

10. Seasons look different to me than they do to the Lord. But He has promised to make all things beautiful in its time (Ecc. 3). This doesn’t mean my version of beautiful or good – it means the Lord’s. And His is a lot better.

11. Blessings do not always look like blessings. A blessing is anything the Lord gives that is used to glorify himself. By this definition, my infertility is a blessing. He has used this season to grow my love and trust in Him, to challenge where my hope lies, and as a testimony to the joy that is found in Jesus, despite circumstances

“God loves to fill empty hands.” – Augustine. This year I feel our hands have been emptied. I am letting go of the idea that God owes me anything and choosing to trust in Him. For possibly the first time in my walk with Him, I really believe He wants good for me and He is trustworthy.

“And so, I am going to try to have a new prayer. Rather than, ‘please give me the things I so deeply desire and please take away all the difficult stuff,’ I will try to pray, ‘please use this time to grow my trust in You, please keep reminding me how much I need you.”

Right now I am looking each day for the blessings, even those that don’t at first appear to be so. I am resting in the peace that surpasses understanding. And looking forward to see what the Lord chooses to do with our lives.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

“But the Lord watches over those who fear him, those who rely on his unfailing love. He rescues them from death and keeps them alive in times of famine. We put our hope in the lord. He is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust his holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, lord, for our hope is in you alone.” Psalm 33:18-22