you

you

4-25-15 We saw each other at a party and talked all night. My friend said you looked at me even when I was talking to someone else. I hate feeling hopeful.

4-26-15 We met to do homework. We ended up grabbing dinner. I’m confused. You’re too good for me.

5-2-15 My best friend, who you’re also best friends, is really worried and doesn’t think we should spend time together anymore. She doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. But I know she also doesn’t think I’m good enough for you.

We all hung out that night. As I walked inside, you said maybe we could hang out next weekend. I don’t know what to do.

5-6-15 you asked to hang out this weekend.

5-10-15 you’re new and exciting. You took me to dinner and we spent hours talking. You told me stories about your childhood and I picked on you. You drove me home and we sat in your car and talked about silly things and I made you laugh. We sang off key to James Blunt and talked about your calf muscles. You made me laugh and you bought my dinner.

5-15-15 you asked me what this was. You told me you’re interested but don’t want to be some random boy that I talk to. I told you that I have a crush on you and then acted obnoxiously awkward.

5-16-15 you texted me first, multiple times today. I know I’m the only girl you’re talking to and that makes me happy.

5-17-15 you wanted to see me before I left town to go home. That makes me happy.

5-18-15 we went to the bookstore and you followed me around because you clearly don’t go to bookstores very often. It was cute. You made plans with me for when I get home.

5-25-15 you picked me up and we went to a movie and spent hours in your car talking about nothing and I was so happy. You asked me to come with you to get fitted for a tux next week. And when I complained that I wouldn’t see you for a while, because you were leaving town, you made plans for the night before you left.

5-27-15 we got smoothies and you told me very personal things. I should be worried and cautious but I already feel like I can trust you. I really like you.

5-28-15 my friend and I made amends on our friendship, broken over you. It was a blessing. You came over that night and we played cards and then you said we could go on a walk. We spent hours talking about silly and serious things, making plans, laying down and looking at the stars. You knew my work schedule for Monday, which means you listen, and asked to see me. You wanted to see me in the afternoon and then that night. You walked me to my door. You make me feel special and I can’t believe you enjoy my company but it makes me so glad.

I’m scared I’m going to fall in love with him and he’ll change his mind.

5-29-15 you called me a sweetheart over text. I miss you and wish you would come back to town.

6-1-15 you told me all the reasons you like me. I don’t know how to open up to you but I really want to.

6-2-15 you flatter me with words and you watch me carefully and make me feel special.

6-6-15 you tell me about your family and what scares you and the kind of choices you’ve made in your life.

6-7-15 we decide that we’re dating. You tell me that you’re committed to me. You held my hand for the first time.

6-8-15 I spent time with you and your friends. They seem to like me.

6-10-15 we decide to take things slow. I don’t care. I just like being with you.

6-12-15 you changed your mind.

6-14-15 we didn’t speak all weekend. My heart is shattered and my bones shake as I cry. Endless tears at knowing the person I thought I would marry changed his mind.

6-15-15 you ask to speak to me, to explain. You tell me that you panicked, that it was going too fast. You want to slow down but still want to spend time together. Stupidly, I agree.

6-16-15 tonight it perfect. We talk for hours and you walk me to my car and hug me tightly and tell me that you want this, that this feels right. You say that you like me. You talk about the future again even though we decided to go slow. I don’t stop you because I like to hear you talk about it.

6-18-15 you cancel plans and don’t speak to me all day. I’m confused and my heart is sad.

6-19-15 I want to talk to you but you don’t seem to want the same. I don’t initiate because my mom says I deserve to be pursued. I don’t feel that way. I feel worthless. And I hate that. I hate that you are capable of making me feel worthless simply by ignoring me. My value is not found in you so why am I letting you dictate my emotions? I’m just a stupid girl. And you’ve made me this way. I have a bad feeling, like you’re about to break my heart again. And I am just sitting here, waiting for it.

6-20-15 it’s over. But “I want to be friends.” So we had dinner together, as friends, and you acted the exact same. Don’t complement me and laugh and tell me you like things about me if you know I like you. I honestly don’t know if you’re a genuine piece of crap or legitimately clueless about everything.

I feel relief at knowing it’s over. I don’t have to wonder anymore. I don’t really know what else I feel because I’m not dwelling. I cried my heart out last weekend. I refuse to give you this weekend as well. It’s just tiring. You pour a lot out for a person and then it ends and you realize you have to go through this exhausting, essentially useless process, all over again with someone else eventually.

6-22-15 we hung out tonight. We watched that stupid show and we talked and everything was okay. You still laughed and listened to me and said you liked my pouty face. You didn’t tell me anything new about yourself. I don’t know what I expected but it makes me sad that I won’t get to hear your stories or your secrets anymore. You texted me after and I know everything is alright. It’s okay that you don’t love me. You showed me that I’m capable of love and, though I’d never tell you, I’m thankful for that because until you, I thought I was broken.

6-26-15 you haven’t contacted me. I’m not upset that you don’t want to be together. I’m angry that you made me trust you and tell you things and now we aren’t even speaking.

And I’m angry because your reasons to end it were crap. Maybe I am angry with you. I have been so busy and making changes because I don’t want to deal with it. I am angry with you. But I want to feel happy so I refuse to acknowledge it.

6-30-15 you texted me for a favor. I was at the movies with my ex. I came home and felt broken. Screw you for making me feel that way. I’m angry because when you ignore me I feel meaningless and when you acknowledge me I’m reminded that you don’t want me. Screw you.

7-1-15 and the thing that I hate is the minute you decide you do finally want to speak to me, I’ll be all too forgiving. I’ll welcome you back with open arms.

No.

I won’t do that. I don’t have to pretend it’s okay what you did. I can be angry with you. I’m allowed that. You’re done with me and I’m done with you.

7-3-15 we went to a dinner party tonight. We spoke a little. I tried to look pretty and happy.

7-5-15 it’s still you.

7-8-15 I won’t think about you anymore.

7-19-15 I had a date with another boy last night. It wasn’t the same as being with you.

I hate that though we never talk, I still imagine us ending up together.

8-1-15 I still think of you sometimes. But it’s becoming less and less. I hate that I’ll have to see you at Ben’s party and pretend I don’t think about you. I am happy. But there’s still a space in my heart that’s sad.

8-9-15 you texted me the other day. It was about school. I cried. You told me that you hope I’m doing well. I think I hate you.

8-15-15 I saw you at a party tonight. You completely ignored me. I’ve spent so much time imagining what you’d say to me that it never occurred that you wouldn’t say anything.

9-5-15 you apologized the night of the party, over text. You want things to be okay between us. God forbid someone doesn’t like you. I lied and said that I’m fine and told you not to worry about me.

Sometimes you’ll text me about nothing and it rips my heart out and I swear I hate you because every time you think of me, I’m reminded that I still love you.

Yesterday you told me that you want to see me. And I hate you. I hate you for keeping this dim hope flickering so that I am incapable of moving on. Do you know what you’re doing? Do you know how cruel you’re being? I hate you for making me feel broken but for somehow thinking you’re the only one who can fix me. I hate you because I know that you’re going to make me cry again and I swore I was done wasting my heart on you.

9-6-15 You tell me that you still like me. That you want to try again. And every part of me is confused. But I know that I want you. I just don’t know if I should take you back. My heart is so tired and I can’t go through all of this again.

9-10-15 You came to see me last night and we spent two hours talking and you made me feel happy and though I still want you so much I feel broken and I don’t know if you can fix me.

9-13-15 You meet my parents. You want to do this right this time. They like you but I know they’re worried.

9-17-15 We spend a lot of time together now. You pick me up after work and we spend evenings on the couch talking with your roommate. When he steps out, you take my hand and try to dance with me. We sit on the couch together and you lean towards me and see me only. You make me feel pretty and you make me laugh. I ask you if you’ll tell me next time you get scared about me. You say yes. You ask if I’m still cautious. I say yes. I don’t tell you that I think I’m falling in love with you. You’re starting to show me how silly you can be. There isn’t anything about you that I don’t like. When you upset me, you make me happy again. You’re making me kinder and I am overwhelmed with how deeply I like you.

9-26-15 We had our first official date tonight. You told me things you haven’t told hardly anyone else. You’re choosing to trust me. I feel sad for you and the experiences you’ve had. I fall in love with you as you talk about how angry you are with your father and how hard it was to provide for your mother and brother as you grew up.

9-28-15 You walk me to my door and you hug me and hold on and I am happy. In your arms, I feel complete.

9-29-15 We have a really good conversation at the library. You tell me about your struggles and I tell you about my relationship with the Lord. You’re immature in a lot of ways but your heart is so precious and I see you trying. You talk about the importance of not placing all of your value in the other person. My heart is glad when you open up to me.

9-30-15 You hold my hand and I am home. Everything is different from before. And I’m so happy with you.

10-05-15 Nothing goes the way it should but we’re still happy. You have your arm around me and hold me close, even as you drive.

10-07-15 I cry for the first time in front of you. You hold me tight.

10-09-15 You’re upset about your life and it seems like you’re upset with me. I’m scared.

10-11-15 You ignore me for two days because it’s how you handle being upset. I tell you we can’t do that. You make me cry. I don’t know what to do.

I need to guard my heart.

And you have unrealistic expectations for women and relationships.

10-15-15 You call me sweetie. And you call me precious.

10-17-15 I come over after spending the day back home for a funeral. As we say goodnight, I think you kiss my hair but I’m too shy to ask.

10-17-15 You call to say you’re going home for the weekend. You stop by before, to give me a hug and say goodbye. You tell me I don’t need to wear makeup, that it doesn’t alter how you see me.

10-18-15 I’m falling in love with you.

10-24-15 we get into a huge fight.

10-25-15 you’re ignoring me

10-26-15 you tell me it’s over. I don’t let you speak. I walk away. You’re a piece of shit. I thought you were my person. I spend the night crying.

10-27-15 I feel fine. It seemed doomed from the start. I still think you’re a shithead but I’m glad it’s over. I don’t have to wonder anymore. And I know you’re the problem. I know that you’re the broken one.

10-29-15 I go to a cookout and spend the night happy, talking to Dave and Natalie and Jake. I feel free and hopeful. And I feel sad for you.

11-02-15 the idea of running into you on campus, of having nothing to say to you, of having everything to say, terrifies me.

the world is so beautiful and I’m wasting my tears on you.

11-07-10 I still think of you but it doesn’t fill me with anger anymore. I feel sad for you. I feel sad for the kind of lonely existence you’ve become so used to. I don’t want to be your friend but I hope one day you won’t see me and turn to walk on the other side of the street.

11-09-15 I thought I was okay. But I see you for the first time and everything feels broken again. I almost cry in class.

11-10-15 I called my best friend, thirteen hours away, and sobbed every single messy broken thought about you and how much I hate how okay you are. You are a liar and you’ve destroyed me and I hate that I’m not stronger.

12-16-15 You made me feel like I didn’t have anything to offer. I don’t think about you anymore.

12-29-15 Sometimes I think about texting you. Something stupid, something harmless. But I can’t let myself do it. I don’t think of you as often anymore. But when I do, I remember all of the horrible things you said and how you never bothered to apologize. Never even tried. I have someone who likes me now and he’s kind and he treats me well. I don’t feel for him the way I felt for you. I’m not going to be with him because it still doesn’t feel right. But if you even were to read this, I want you to know that I’m not sitting here waiting for you. I’m not constantly hoping you’ll come to my door one night with a heart full of regret, asking me to forgive you. I’m done. Someday’s I am overwhelmed at how cruel you were. But those days are becoming fewer and farther between. I am happy now and have surrounded myself with those who fill my heart with love. They encourage me and tell me I’m special. They’re slowly undoing all of the damage you have done. And I’m better. I’m so much better.

02-08-16 I went to a party at your house last night. I brought my new boyfriend. I talked to you and it was easy, like nothing ever happened between us. Part of me still feels for you. And part of me hates you for making me feel so deeply. Because I don’t feel that way for my boyfriend now. And I’m terrified I never will. And I hate that you opened parts of me that I didn’t know were there. Parts that I wanted to be opened by the man I marry. And now I’m confused and you’re fine. And I feel so alone and I hate myself for feeling this way.

02-19-16 I broke up with that boy. He was nice and cared for me. But it didn’t feel the way it did with you. 

Now we see each other occasionally. You still won’t look me in the eyes. 

09.04.16 I still think of you sometimes but it isn’t me wanting to be with you as much as me wishing I could forgive you. I have waited and chosen to trust the Lord. I have found my value in him alone. And I met a man. You looked at me like I was a single star but looks at me like I’m his entire sky. He treasures me and points me to Christ and encourages me. I never feel like a burden or unwanted. It doesn’t feel the same. But I choose him. I choose him over you and I choose belonging to someone who values me and makes me want to be better over someone who never made me feel like I was worth anything and constantly put me down. I choose him because he respects me. He doesn’t make me wonder if he’s changed his mind. He’s kind and mature and he chooses me every single day. I choose him. And I will not think about you anymore. 

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