february 21

these thoughts
I keep them locked away
would terrify you

to know that your little girl secretly hates herself
that she imagines herself disappearing
that she feels worthless and inadequate
that she feels hated and alone
a laughingstock
a nuisance
a damaged waste of space
wanting to run away
knowing no one would miss her

it would break your heart

and I never want to break your heart

so when we speak I focus on the good grades I get
and the new girl I spoke to in class
I’ll sometimes say I hate myself but you don’t pay attention, you don’t believe it

and so I blow it off
change the subject
because you don’t want to hear how sad I am because I have no reason to be sad

because I have everything going for me
because I’m young
because I have the entire world to conquer
and so I nod my head and bite my tongue
because I’m terrified to tell you how much I loathe who I am
because I don’t want you to think it’s something you did

and so it goes

we become two strangers because I can’t tell you what’s going on in my broken mind