I finally found you

07.03.16 I went to a fireworks show, last minute with Macy. We saw her friend and sat down. And I met Patrick. We talked the entire show and he made me laugh and he smiled and got my phone number, saying he’d call me the next day.

07.04.16 he called. And he came with me and my friends to see the fireworks downtown and we spent the entire day together and he would disappear because he was talking to Jessie but he always came back. He said he hoped I didn’t feel neglected because he was meeting my friends. He fit in well.

07.08.16 you asked me to lunch and I’m nervous but we go and it’s perfect and you treat the waitress well and look at me when I’m speaking.

07.12.16 you tell me you like me and want to date me.

07.23.16 we spent 15 hours together, exploring the mountains and climbing to waterfalls and you met my family and told me you want this to be real, with me as your girlfriend.

07.24.16 you came over and we talked for hours and I like you and your voice is my favorite and I love falling asleep on your chest while you’re talking and you’re precious.

07.26.16 I feel like I’m falling in love with him.

07.27.16 some friends came over and you got along with them all and I tried to be independent but you would come sit by me and rub my hair and it felt natural and good and I was happy.

07.30.16 you love fireworks but on the night we met you watched me instead.

You thinks I’m hilarious. And you said the second thought you had when you saw me at the fireworks show ways, ‘there’s no way she doesn’t have a boyfriend.’ And he loves how close I am to my family and he thinks I have a kind heart.

He sees me differently than I see myself.

08.01.16  you loves fireworks. But you watched me all night instead.

08.03.16 you tell me that I’m one of the best gifts God has ever given you and ask me to be your girlfriend.

08.11.16 you’re selfless.

08.12.16 I was downtown with friends, dancing to the live band and he shows up and asks to cut in. He pulls me close and sings to me in front of everyone.

08.15.16 I was unkind and realize it’s because I’m neglecting my relationship with the Lord. How can I love others well if I don’t love Christ first?

08.16.16 we went hammocking, which is just an excuse to cuddle. I want you to kiss me so badly.

08.22.16 I was tired and stressed because of school and life and even though you’d had such a long day, you showed up at my door and surprised me and listened to me talk about my insecurities.

08.25.16 we had our first weekly Thursday breakfast date and I like you.

09.03.16 I’m realizing that our world over-romanticizes relationships. I want to be in love, I want to feel deeply and passionately. But when our entire existence relies on another soul, someone as broken as ourself, how can that result in anything but heartbreak?

09.04.16 “I miss you a lot.”

09.05.16 you hold me and I feel safe. You hold me and I am home.

09.14.16 what I hate about relationships is how easy it is to forget why you care for the person in front of you. I direct all frustration towards you even though you don’t deserve it and when days are bad, I feel like you’re somehow to blame and that’s not okay.

09.16.16 you take my hand and pull it to you and kiss it.

09.19.16 you kissed my neck.

09.25.16 you kissed me against my car.

10.15.16 you were unkind to me for the first time.

10.22.16 I met his family. They liked me. I love him.

I told my mom about our day and she said, “This is what it’s supposed to feel like.”

11.04.16 “Today marks four months of knowing my sweet Patrick. What a blessing he is.”

11.14.16 We spent the weekend in your hometown and you showed me where you grew up and introduced me to your friends and told me stories about your life. And we had a birthday dinner with your family and they love you so much. And when the house was quiet, we snuck into the hallway and you pushed me against the wall and kissed my neck. And in the car you put your hand on my thigh and squeezed me and I wanted you so badly. And we drove home and I daydreamed about what the rest of my life with you might look like.

11.15.16 your birthday dinner. As we walked to the car, you told me I’d be a good mother. I would happily be the mother of your children.

12.06.16 my grandfather died. You hold me as I cry and cry and cry.

12.16.16 you made me a necklace and told me that you love me.

01.16.17 I’m sad and you come over and let me hurt. You always make time for me. You always let me hurt. Thank you.

01.17?.17 we had the future talk and it was awkward because we’re awkward but we are in love and can see ourselves married one day.

01.21.17 we drove for hours to visit a town you spent much of your childhood in and we rode the ferry and made up games and walked down the pier and you taught me about history and I love you.

02.07.17 I keep forgetting to write down every precious thing. But every day with you is a delight. Even the bad ones, when we disagree or mess up or hurt each other. I love you so much.

02.13.17 You told me you were grumpy and so I scratched your back until you felt better and then you held me tightly and kissed my neck like you know I like and then we sat in the dark for a long time and I lay on my back as you laid your head on my stomach and then rested your chin on my sternum as we talked about little things and recited the Bible verses we’ve memorized and then you sat up and leaned down and looked at me and your eyes were so full of love and I made you come up with all the different careers I could choose and then you lay on your back beside me and we continued talking and I made you laugh as you closed your eyes and I was completely satisfied in you, completely delighted at what my future will hopefully look like.

02.16.17 I found out today that it’s possible I will have trouble conceiving or be unable to. And it’s a thought that hurts very much to think about. I shared it with you. And you said we don’t have to worry about that right now. And you said that you still love me. You still choose me, no matter what. But I really hope I can give you babies.

02.18.17 “I really hope it’s you.”

02.20.17 “You know what I was thinking about the other day? That someday I think I would like to marry you. And that I could see myself loving you for the rest of my life.”

02.28.17 You were smiling like a goober and when I asked what was up, you said, “you make me so happy.”

03.01.17 as we said goodnight, you leaned into the car to kiss me as you always do. But you kept kissing me. And the radio was playing and you climbed over me and had one hand on my leg and the other beside me, supporting yourself. And I took your face in my hands and I wanted all of you.

03.02.17 “I love you and want and need every part of you. When I hold you I wish I never had to let go, when I kiss you I wish I never had to stop, and when I’m with you I never want to leave.”

03.04.17 “When we’re married…”

Tonight, we just sat on the floor of your bedroom and drew pictures of each other and made each other laugh and you’re so cute and happy and everything I need. The Lord has been so kind.

03.09.17 We’re at the house I’m housesitting and you pinned me down and kept pecking me with kisses and making me laugh until I couldn’t breathe and I am just so happy to be with someone who makes me laugh. And who lets me be emotional for no reason and who I have little heated mini arguments with and then who attacks me with kisses all in one all in one night.

03.13.17 I’m so selfish and consumed by what I want and how I feel and then there’s you. You turn the car around so I can have a better view of the creek we just drove over. You put socks on my cold feet. You move to the floor because I complain that your heavy typing is shaking the table. You are constantly selfless and giving yourself over to me and acting as a servant. I’m sorry I am not more like you. But I notice you. And I am both honored and humbled. And I hope to one day treat you as well as you treat me. 

03.18.17 we spent the day in Virginia with your grandparents and aunts and cousins and I sat for two hours with your grandma and listened and you noticed and said I’m a good listener and interact well with her and you lip synced dramatically to me in the car and we all sang the doxology before lunch and I don’t know why and everyone made acronyms for their cards to your grandfather and we drove in silence because our families are very different but that’s ok and when it got dark I lay down and you took my feet and pulled them high on your thigh for me to massage and I want you and you want me and every day I love you more, every part of you and I am so excited that we are hopefully spending the rest of our lives together. 

03.20.17 I could look at you forever. 

03.25.17 I packed a picnic so we could go to the park for an outdoor movie. When we got there, I found you’d packed a deck of cards for us to play. I don’t know why, but it struck me as being so thoughtful. 

We spent the day tangled up on the couch. I love feeling you against me, pleasing you, having you kiss my neck. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. 

I thought I saw you look at a girl who walked by tonight. It hurt me. After a few minutes, I asked if you notice when a pretty girl, or a girl who isn’t wearing much, walks by. You said you don’t. That it’s a conscious effort. And I trust you. And I thank you for honoring me in that way. 

Every day, I love you more. 

03.26.17 “I’m going to marry you.”