our history of decay

our history of decay

3-24-14 But tonight I love him and that’s enough for now.

11-13-14 I don’t look at him the way Codi looks at Grey.

11-24-14 But oh I love him dearly. I want to be with him forever. I asked when he wanted to be married. He said the spring after I get back from Asia he wants to propose so we will be married when I’m 22 and he’s 23.

1-13-15 I’m exhausted. I hurt him. I saw the look in his eyes as I told him that I don’t feel the way I want to feel. He doesn’t understand and he wants to fix it. He’s upset and hurt and confused and I can’t do anything. I don’t even understand, our hearts are at different places but I love him dearly and to hurt him is awful. And yet I’m so hurt and confused and he can’t understand it at all. I keep saying that everything will be alright but I don’t know. I am giving it my all. I’m breaking down walls and going all in. I hope upon hope that it’s enough. Things are very dark right now. We had a really good talk but now he is barely speaking to me and I know this is bad and I feel very much alone.

1-11-15 But I don’t know how I will cope if these feelings continue and he is there, across the table, looking at me with hurt and confusion. I can’t do this alone and I know I’m not alone but the thing is, God is in Heaven and I am here on earth with this boy and so in the physical, literal sense, I am pretty sure I’ll feel completely alone. And that really, really scares me. I give this to God though. I give it to God hoping that he changes my heart but accepting it if he does not.

1-19-15 I feel happy. I feel so happy with my roommates and I feel excited for the future. I want to hold on to this. I’m really scared about things with Anthony. But right now, I’m okay.

2-4-15 But I don’t know who to talk to. I feel kind of alone. I have many people who love me and I am blessed but to talk to, to really talk to, I feel very alone. And that makes me sad. I have Anthony to a certain extent but what do I do when we aren’t okay? Who do I go to then?

2-24-15 But are we happy

2-27-15 worry

when I stop sending long text messages
when I don’t ask you to come over constantly
when I don’t argue anymore
when I don’t tell you the little things
when I start spending my time with other people
because they have time
when I don’t answer your calls anymore
or text you back
when I become the one who doesn’t have time
and makes excuses

worry then

3-3-15 and you don’t care anymore
and that doesn’t bother me
so that’s how I know
it’s time to leave

3-4-15 because i don’t feel excited thinking about the future
because I don’t miss you when you’re gone
and I don’t care about what you’re saying
and I feel trapped
and as if I’m losing myself as I blindly follow you
and I want you to have someone who wants you as much as you want them and that’s not me

3-4-15 and I just lost my best friend

3-6-15 already tired of people asking about you. I just want to talk to you. Are you okay?

everyone says I’m being so mature about all of this. Isn’t it normal to want the best for someone you love?

3-14-15 I saw you today. You didn’t speak to me. I went home and closed my door and cried for the first time since it happened.

3-15-15 You asked if I’m sure this is right.

3-18-15 I feel like I can breathe on my own for the first time.

3-22-15 We spoke for the first time today. You smiled and I smiled and I really hope you meant it.

3-30-15 things are starting to feel bad.

4-8-15 our friends all got together tonight. I sat by you. You acted like everything was normal. Somehow it still hurt. I am reminded of the friend that I lost.

4-12-15 you were mean to me today. You apologized but when I barely responded you didn’t try to fix it.

4-13-15 you asked to meet with me for the first time today. you cried and told me you love me and begged to get back together.

4-14-15 you said you’re fine and that we should spend time together so you can heal. I said no.

4-15-17 if you don’t stop this soon, you’re going to lose any chance at friendship. Should I tell you that? Would that make you angry?

4-17-15 you won’t leave me alone. You won’t listen to me. I’ve stopped responding.

5-1-15 you were rude this morning so I stopped responding. You walked into the coffee shop tonight. I was with Cameron. You asked to speak to me. I sat down even though I didn’t want anything to do with you. You sarcastically asked if I was on a date with Cameron. Then you said you know I was out with another boy earlier this week. I didn’t respond. You wanted to talk with me but I said I didn’t want to be rude to Cameron. I told you I don’t want to talk to you, that you need time. Later, you walked past us and gave Cameron a rude look.

5-3-15 you ignored me this morning at church. It’s awkward now and I don’t know why you’re acting this way.

5-7-15 you glared at Cameron at a campus dinner tonight. And then ignored me when I walked in.

5-8-15 you’re spending time with Elise. You’re making sure I see it. It just hurts that it seems like you want to hurt me.

5-10-15 you sat by me at church today. You kept trying to make me laugh. You said it was really good to see me. You walked away and my friend commented that it’s obvious that you still really like me. I want you to stop now.

5-16-15 you’re spending time with a girl I used to be friends with. She’s my neighbor and I know you’re trying to make me jealous. It just makes me angry.

5-30-15 I don’t think about you in that way anymore.

6-21-15 I saw you today and sat by you. We spoke and you made me laugh. I think that having my heart broken by someone else has helped me to see you through kinder eyes. I hope you’re okay.

6-26-15 we text now. And it feels good to talk to you again.

6-30-15 we saw a movie tonight. I made you promise you didn’t have ulterior motives. But it was uncomfortable. You tried so hard to make it like it was, to drudge up old memories and to pick on me like you did before. I don’t want to spend any more time with you. It just made me more lonely than before.

8-15-15 I saw you the other day at a coffee shop. It still made me catch my breath. You sat by our table and we talked for a long time. You seem well. I’m glad.

9-30-15 I wonder if you’ve seen me with him.

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