even so come

8-1-15 a new school year is about to begin. I won’t be able to say that many more times. A lot of really precious things have been happening in my life and I am so grateful for them. I have a new teaching job which is my first opportunity to see if this is actually the field I want to go into. I’m meeting new people who are kind and different. I’m taking risks and trying new things. I’m volunteering and moving up to a more challenging role in that department. And my parents are doing fairly well with their health and are so happy in their marriage. I acknowledge that all of these gifts are from God and I am beyond thankful. But I consistently fail to show my gratitude. I don’t spend time with the Lord daily or love others the way he loves me. And while I despise resolutions, I do think the new school year is a sort of fresh start and I hope to improve my heart for the Lord and for the lost.

Today I choose to pray for my roommate. This is kind of a big deal because the last thing I want to do is pray for her because I’m beyond frustrated with her. I could rant but in an effort to be a better human being, I’ll refrain. Suffice to say, she’s extremely challenging to interact with, let alone live with. I am not a patient nor compassionate individual. So, living with her has produced a multitude of challenges. I know that any interaction will make me even more angry and so I’m sitting back and choosing to pray because that’s all I can do. I can’t change her. I have tried. Only the Lord can. It sounds so simple, ‘love your enemies.’ But I always imagined my enemies would be out there, not right here within my home. It’s a difficult time and tensions are high. In the end, I am responsible for how I respond and though I haven’t handled it supremely well thus far, I’m choosing to try to stop being petty and act in love even though I feel nothing close to love for her.

8-11-15 oh so many sweet things are happening.

Volunteering is so good for the soul. I can’t fully describe the joy I’ve gotten from working with the sweet ladies I’ve met. Because of confidentiality reasons, I can’t write much on my experiences. Suffice to say, I have been beyond blessed from these couple of months of volunteering and am beyond thrilled to be moving up and gaining new experience within the organization. I hope to offer the hope of the Lord and to have the words to show those that I meet that they are not alone.

Getting to tell the people who love me about this exciting time has also been a blessing. There are few people who truly care about you but when you find them, hold on tightly because they are precious people. Working with the ladies at the center, I’ve been reminded of how alone so many people are. I can’t imagine and I hope to be a friend to those who need it.

I’m beyond a mess at any point, but right now, it finally feels like I’m doing something right. And it’s not me at all. It’s completely the Lord and I am so thankful for this time.

One moment can change everything. I got a text this morning that after a routine mammogram, my mom has been called back to the doctor for more tests. My heart is heavy and my spirit is weak. I just told the Lord last night that I’d rather something happen to me before my parents. I know the Lord isn’t vendictive but I am struggling to cope with the possible outcomes of this situation. I can’t think about it without melting into a puddle of tears. Is it a sign that I don’t trust the Lord that I’m absolutely terrified? Is that a lack of faith?

I keep saying repeating, “whatever my lot, you have taught me to say, ‘praise the Lord, it is well with my soul.'”

I want that to be true but my heart is full of fear and I don’t know what to do. The idea of my mom in pain or of her being afraid and feeling alone absolutely crushes me. Help, Lord. Please help.



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